How do I experience God?

Why is it I read the bible and pray every day and do not experience God in my life? Why do I go to church every week and God is not real to me? This are some of the most common questions I get from Christians. The real question is really “how do I experience God?” Sometime back, I wrote a book entitled The Salvation Equation specifically to deal with the issue. Perhaps it is worth revisiting at this point. The experience of God, His blessings, His freedom, His forgiveness, His love, His power and His healing are essentially what is encompassed by the GRACE of God. Christ died on the cross specifically so that we can experience these things. Salvation is not just about going to heaven after we die but to experience in this life the blessings of God. As stated in the Salvation Equation, Grace is something God does, it is something He gives to us. It is the part of the equation He alone is responsible for. But to come to experience Grace, there is something we must do. And that part is FAITH. Faith is our part of the equation, something we are required to do before we can experience Grace.

What then does it mean to exercise and grow in Faith? As discussed in the Salvation Equation, there are 4 aspects of Faith:

(1) Faith Appropriation – This is when we begin to claim the promises of the bible that God has given to us the full measure of His Grace when Christ died for us. His blessings, His intimacy, His freedom, His power, His love, His healing. All these things were given to us on the Cross. To appropriate them is to confess verbally that we have them, and to believe the same in our hearts. Our responsibility is not just to read the Word but to claim it for ourselves.

(2) Faith Surrender – To experience God’s grace, the next component of Faith is surrender. It is only when we empty ourselves of our flesh that the Spirit can fill us and bring us into the fullness of God. Like a cup, we must be empty before God can fill us. We must therefore die daily to our human judgments, our rights, our reputation and our ambitions and surrender ourselves fully to God. Our responsibility is therefore to daily allow the Holy Spirit and the Word to convict us of sin, and to repent when such conviction comes.

(3) Faith Intimacy – The next component of Faith is intimacy. Intimacy involves pursuing a close relationship and walk with God. Like Enoch, we “walk with God” everyday of our lives. In practical terms, this involves prayer, worship, resting and waiting on God and living consciously in His presence continually. It is in such intimacy that we grow in our faith in God and come to experience His Grace.

(4) Faith Community – The last component of Faith is the Faith Community. To grow in faith, we require the help of fellow believers in the church. We ere never meant to walk the Christian life alone. Each member of the church has been given complementary gifts to serve and edify the body so that we can all reach “unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ.” (Eph 4:13b). Faith Community therefore requires that we spend time in fellowship and service with other believers in the church, helping them build their faith and letting them help us build ours.

Placed in these terms, if we are not experiencing God, His blessings, freedom or power in our lives, then we simply have to check how we rate or are doing on each of the above four aspects of Faith. Perhaps the answer to our question is really not so difficult to find.

We want more

There must be something greater. There must be something more. This simply cannot be it. Birthing within the hearts of our young people is a cry for something greater than the lifeless and pretentious routine called church. There is a longing for a true spiritual experience of God, a longing for God Himself. Enough with the empty talk. We want the real thing.

Perhaps such a concept is not as unbiblical and new age as some would have us believe. After all the bible with replete with such examples. One of the most noteworthy is the manifestation of God in the temple after Solomon has dedicated it. God had given Solomon the blueprint for the building of the temple. The temple has just been built, the sacrifices made and Solomon dedicated the temple. Then look what happened:

“When Solomon had finished praying, fire came down from heaven and consumed the burnt offering and the sacrifices; and the glory of the LORD filled the temple. And the priests could not enter the house of the LORD, because the glory of the LORD had filled the LORD’s house. When all the children of Israel saw how the fire came down, and the glory of the LORD on the temple, they bowed their faces to the ground on the pavement, and worshiped and praised the LORD, saying: “For He is good, For His mercy endures forever.” (2 Chron 7:1-4)

This is what many have called the manifest presence of God. It is when the presence of God is so real that we can feel Him, almost touch Him. This is what happens that God shows up in the church. You walk into the service and know that God is here. Our prayers take on a different dimension, our worship is lifted to a different plane. The presence of God will bring men to their knees in tears and conviction of sin. The Holy Spirit manifests in signs and wonders. Tongues, prophesy and miracles abound. I don’t know what is your vision of revival. This is mine.

How to we get there? How do we move from where we are to where God wants us to be? This glorious state where church becomes transformed into the spiritual temple of God where His manifest presence dwells? The bible itself gives us the answer. God Himself answers the question to those who have ears to hear.

“When I shut up heaven and there is no rain, or command the locusts to devour the land, or send pestilence among My people, if My people who are called by My name will humble themselves, and pray and seek My face, and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin and heal their land. Now My eyes will be open and My ears attentive to prayer made in this place.” (2 Chron 7:13,14)

When there is spiritual dryness, when true spirituality seems absent, when it seems as if God has not showed up in our congregation for a long time, God himself steps in to tell us what to do. The first – hunger – “If my people will…humble themselves and pray and seek my face”. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness for they shall be filled. I feel that as a church, we are simply not hungry enough. We have long deceived ourselves into spiritual complacency that we simply do not see our need for God, and hence there is no hunger. We must come to a state where we realize the immensity of our spiritual poverty, how sinful and fallen we are, how far from God we have come and how much we need Him. God waits for us to want Him so badly, to want Him more than anything else that we are willing to give anything to get Him.

The next condition is “turning away” – “…and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven and forgive their sin and heal their land.” It is not enough just to acknowledge intellectually that we are sinful. True repentance involves turning away from everything that is not of God, and turning back to our one true love, the God who loves us. We cannot love God and anything else at the same time. To turn away involves an active involvement of the mind, the emotion and the will. Our entire being inclines towards God, the compass of our souls. Grace may be free but it will cost us our every love and our very lives.

Are you content to play church Sunday after Sunday? The eyes and ears of God are open and attentive to the prayers of His beloved. God is waiting, waiting to pour out His Spirit in immeasurable abundance, waiting to manifest His presence in His holy congregation. The question is are we hungry enough to ask?

So tired...

Don’t know if you’ve experienced such tiredness that if you were to close your eyes, you would probably fall asleep immediately. Sometimes in this fast paced society, we simply don’t rest enough. The multitude of expectations and responsibilities at work or school, in ministry, for family just seem never-ending. Some like me, thrive on such activity – because it persuades us that we must be productive if we are doing so much. We move from activity to activity with clockwork precision – switching from one intense mode to another. Going from office to church to the gym to dinner with my family. We feel useful, accomplished, as if we are somehow justifying our existence. But we simply cannot go on like this forever, our human bodies will grow tired and weary. Today was one of those days…a day where to simply drag myself out of bed was a momentous struggle of will verses flesh.

It is at times like these were I force myself to pull back and reflect. Am I too busy? Why am I driving myself like this? Some responsibilities I cannot extricate myself from. Others I do simply because I am unwilling to say no. After all, this is such a competitive society, and there is so much depending on me. How can I let up? As I ponder these swirling passions within me, I pause for a moment and consider what heaven was thinking about all this. As God looked down at my life, I wonder what he must be thinking. Was he thinking, “he is so busy…good for him.” Somehow I get a sense that he was sad…sad that I was driving myself so hard, striving so hard to get ahead. And in all that running, I had somehow left Him behind.

Father I want to come back to you. In returning and rest we are saved. I realign myself now to you, my Lord and my God, to come back to the safe place of your presence. I quieten my passions, I still my soul, for you are God. For even young men grow tired and weary and youth stumble and fall, but those who wait on the Lord, He will renew their strength. They will rise on wings like eagles, run and not grow weary, walk and not be faint.

Can you lose your salvation?

Can you lose your salvation? This has been an issue of great debate among Christians. Let me organise my answer into a couple of points.

(1) The bible speaks of the eternal security we have when we become Christians. eg. Jesus says "no one is able to snatch them out of my father's hands." John 10:29. Paul writes, "whom he predestined, he called, whom he called, these he justified; and whom he justified, these he glorified." Rom 8:30.

(2) The bible also speaks of Christians falling away. Heb 6:6 talks about the falling away (apostasy) of those who were partakers of the Holy Spirit. Paul also writes, "Now the Spirit expressly says that in the latter times, some will depart from the faith, giving heed to deceiving spirits and doctrines of demons." 1 Tim 4:1

How do we reconcilse these?

(1) It is not possible to lose your salvation through normal sinning, ie. lack of good works. If you could lose your salvation through sinning then it is another way os saying that salvation is by works. Salvation is by faith and not by works so no man may boast. (Eph2:8) When a Christian persist in sinning and grieving the Spirit of God after he becomes a Christian, he does not lose his salvation. However three things happen:

(a) He loses the joy and experience of his salvation (Psalms 51:12) This means he loses his assurance of salvation. Sin acts as a wedge in our relationship with God and silences the voice of God in our lives. Our prayers become futile and the presence of God is withdrawn from our lives.

(b) He comes under the corrective discipline of God. Heb 12:6 says, "For whom the Lord loves he chastens, and scourges every son whom he recieves." God cannot be mocked. Time and time again we see God send the nation of Israel into captivity, oppression and drought to cause them to repent and turn back to Him. He never stopped loving them, never forsook them. If we have accepted HIm as Lord, and continue to sin, God will not let us go or leave us alone. Many Christians continue to suffer in this life not knowing that they have brought themselves under the discipline of God.

(c) He will be judged by Christ at the second coming. At the second coming, Christians will be judged according to how we have lived our lives(2 Cor 5:10). This is a separate judgment from non-Christians. The judgment here is not unto eternal life, but as to rewards or lost of them. 1 Cor 3:13-15 says on that day, "each one's work will become clear, for the Day will reveal it, because it will be revealed by fire and the fire will test each one's work, of what sort it is. If anyone's work which he has built on it endures, he will receive a reward. If anyone's work is burned, he will suffer loss, but he himself will be saved, yet so as through fire." To those who have lived in sin after conversion, there will only be regret and shame as we enter heaven and are disqualified from any rewards.

(2) The Christian may lose his salvation only if he abandons the faith (apostasy). Faith in, faith out. The bible calls this sin blasphemy against the Holy Spirit (Matt 12:31) Paul illustrates this in Heb 6:4-6,where he says "it is impossible for those who were once enlightened and have tasted the heavenly gift and have become partakers of the Holy Spirit, and have tasted the good word of God and the powers of the age to come, if they fall away, to renew themselves again to repentence." This condition is one where after having experienced the power of the Holy Spirit in our lives, in conviction and regeneration, to walk away from God. It requires a heart so hardened, so cold towards God that there is no more a possibility of guilt or remorse, to make repentence impossible. The examples of these prophesied in the bible are of deception by demons and false prophets in false religons .

(3) Conclusion. God will not let us go once we have accepted Him. Neither Satan not others can snatch us away from his hand, for we are being kept by the power of God through faith for salvation (1 Peter 1:5). But if we choose to deliberately abandon the faith and say to God, "I dont need you or your salvation or want you to be my God anymore", I suspect God will in His respect of our human free will, let us go. This is not something we may want to test Him on.

The struggle to obey

The struggle for obedience is one that every Christian can identify with. We, who have experienced the birth of a new spirit by the indwelling Spirit find our sin nature constantly contesting with our better conscience. I want to obey yet there is a war within myself. Each time I find myself fighting a strong desire to move in a contrary direction. This is exactly the struggle of Paul in Romans 7. The good that I want to do, I do not do. The evil that I do not want to do, this I find myself doing. I can surely identify with the cry of Paul at the end of Romans 7, “who can save me from the body of death?”

The answer is found in Romans 8:1 – there is now no more condemnation to those who are in Christ, for the law of the Spirit of life has set me free from the law of sin and death. The law of sin and death is like the law of gravity. It pulls you in a direction you may or may not want to go. When confronted with a moral law, the sin nature within us naturally inclines to contravene it. The only way to overcome the law of gravity is to have another law that is more powerful than it. Like the law of physics involved in the force and momentum of a rocket ship propelling itself upwards against the law of gravity. Likewise, the only law that is powerful to overcome the law of sin and death is the law of the Spirit of life. Christ’s death on the cross broke the power of the law of sin and death over us and the indwelling Spirit helps us appropriate that freedom daily.

Enough of theology. So how does this work in practical reality. The issue is the mind. To overcome the law of sin and death, we must set our minds according to the things of the Spirit. You see, there is a sequence. How we think determines what we feel and what we feel determines how we ultimately act. If we think that the law of God is restrictive and burdensome, then we will not feel like wanting to obey it. However if we think that the law of God is beautiful and brings true freedom and blessing, then we will instinctively feel like we want to obey it.

The key therefore is the mind. Trash in, trash out. You are what you think. If we fill our minds with the ideas of the world, the sensual and sexual and covetous images from the media and the internet, then this will progressively change our minds. And the way we feel. And the way we act. It cannot be understated that media is the tool of the devil too brainwash us that the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes and the pride of life are indeed desirable and beneficial to us. I have learnt that when I fill my mind with the things of God, read His Word, listen to MP3 sermons, read Christian books, talk to God and live with the consciousness of His presence all the time, incline myself to the prompting and leading of the Spirit, these things change the way I think. That is why Paul says in Rom 12:2 to be transformed by the renewal of our “minds”. That is also why Jesus says that “the eye is the lamp of the body”. Our eyes are the channels to what we put into our minds. If we gaze on images of sensuality and sexuality and covetousness and lust, we will be changed into what we see. Because it will changes our minds, and then our desires and ultimately our actions.

The battle for obedience therefore lies not in the will or even our feelings, but much further upstream in the arena of the mind. Let God change your mind and you will win the battle for obedience.

Facing challenges sitting down

God gave me a tremendous revelation driving to work today and I would like to share it. How do we face the challenges and spiritual opposition that life throws at us? The answer we would most often give is to stand up and fight. While this may be true in some sense, I would like to share a completely different way of looking at our battles. The Christian who is truly mature faces opposition sitting down! Let me explain...

Where is Christ now? He is seated at the right hand of the Father in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given (Eph 1:20,21). From His seated position on the throne, all things are placed under His feet (vs 23) The same image is found in Revelations 4:2. The Apostle John saw a vision of the glorious Christ, sitting on the throne.

Let me suggest two things this posture of sitting conveys. Firstly, it is a posture of rest from a finished work . It is a posture of victory. When Christ gave up His last breath on the Cross, he said "it is finished". And upon the completion of His work, the victorious Christ sat down at the right hand of the Father. Every sin, every disease, every sickness, every curse, He took upon Himself on the Cross. With His death, His work of salvation is now complete. There was nothing left for one who believed in Him to do, except to receive the gift of grace by faith. It was finished. By His stripes we are healed. By His death, we are free.

Secondly, the posture of sitting is a posture of authority. When we approach a king on the throne, we are always standing and the king is seated. When we approach the court, the judge is always seated and we stand. The one who sits is the one in authority. The one who stands is subject to the one who sits. By Christ's perfect life and perfect faith, all power and authority was given to Him over the dominion of darkness. In one act, He disarmed the principalities and powers and removed the bondage Satan had over mankind. When Satan approaches Christ, it is Christ who is seated on the throne.

When spiritual opposition come against us, we must learn to remain seated. For when we believed, God raised us up with Christ and seated us with Him in the heavenly realms (Eph 2:6). Around Him who sits on the throne are twenty four thrones, with twenty four elders seated on them (Rev 4:4), a representation of the victorious and reigning saints - a picture of our position in Him. To remain seated is to stay in the finished work of Christ, to claim the authority that has been given Him. On the throne of God, there is no more strife, there is nothing left to fight, because the victory has been won. To remain seated is to remain in the perfect rest of faith. We enter into His perfect rest. Even in the midst of trouble, we remain in this perfect rest. It is when we rise from our position in Christ and try to fight our own battles that we are defeated by the devil and overwhelmed by our troubles. For when we remain seated, we identify with Christ and His victory, His finished work. And to this, the devil has no answer. So the next time the devil comes knocking, or life throws challenges at us, we face them sitting down. For we are now on the throne of grace, the throne of His finished work, the throne of His victory.

Man's search for identity

The search for our identity is a perpetual quest that never seems to end. Every now and then, when we feel as if we have found who we are, something comes along and shakes us. Once again we are left floundering in the sea of questions. Perhaps God allows us to go through this from time to time to test what is in our hearts, what we base our sense of self-worth and identity on.

Some of you who know me may know that I have just moved jobs. God opened the door. Better pay, and hopefully better prospects. But what I under-estimated was the effect that moving jobs had on my sense of identity. Who was I? One day I was doing my old job and the next, a new job. Excited as I was about starting my new job, I could not ignore the fact that things had changed. I was still the same. But everything around me had changed.

It is in such times of displacement that I become more prayerful and reflective. As I began to ponder the reason for my current sense of emotional displacement, it became clear that as much as I had always tried to avoid it, I did derive some definition of my identity from what i did, from the roles I played. And over the past month, the roles I have played in both my church ministry and my secular career have changed drastically. With my daughter turning one year old, my role as father has also changed. New challenges, new expectations, new positions, new responsibilities, new roles. With so many changes within a short period of time, it was not surprising that I struggled to re-refine myself.

But perhaps what this sense of displacement and struggle for re-definition has revealed to me is the transience and impermanence of a role-defined sense of identity. It is surely this role-defined sense of identity that drive many successful men into despair after they retire or are retrenched. It is this same role-defined sense of identity that causes us to have to seek new definitions of our identity each time the winds of change blow through our lives.

Then I remember the words of Jeremiah 1:4,5:
"Then the word of the LORD came to me, saying:
'Before I formed you in the womb I knew you;
Before you were born I sanctified you;
I ordained you a prophet to the nations.'"

These verses tell me a few precious things. Firstly, that it is God who has formed us. We find our source in His loving hands. Secondly, it is God who has set us apart, who makes us special. For to be "sanctified" is to be set apart for Him. For Jeremiah, it was to be a prophet. For us, it is a high calling that envelopes every disparate aspect of our lives, and consumes our very being. But most importantly, it is a call to exist unto Him. We live for His glory, His purpose. Our worship of Him is the coalescence of all our different roles in life, for they all exist to fulfill the one higher purpose - to live unto Him. He has called us out of His world to embrace His heart. He has called us to Himself.

Thirdly, this sanctified calling is permanent and does not change. Though our roles in life may change, our sanctified calling to live unto Him is eternal. We have been sanctified from before the womb and our purpose and identity remains intrinsically linked to Him for all of eternity. Such a thought brings to me a powerful sense of peace and security. That He lives in me, and I live in Him and for him. Praise be to God.

How the Lord builds our desire for Him

How do we come to desire Him more? How do we bring our church to a point where we are so hungry for the Lord? While we should preach, and exhort, and warn and encourage all around us to seek God and desire Him, at the end of the day, it is between them and God. To say that is not to abdicate our responsibility, but ultimately we can only stand still and let God take over. This is where it gets very very serious. For this is where God gets serious.

The Lord showed something tonight. I do not know if it is a message for me personally or for our ministry as a whole. The issue of His people turning away from Him is not anything new. The nation of Israel turned from the Lord many times. No nation had been privileged to see the greatness and the wonders of God like the nation of Israel. Yet time and time again, they backslidded. Very soon after seeing the fire and the glory of God on Mount Sinai, they turn to their golden calfs of idolatry. We, our churches, are just like that today. We are apathetic second-generation Christians who have tasted the goodness of God, and yet our hearts remain cold and our desire for Him non-existent. The question is how does God deal with that? The answer, the fire of His chastisement. This is where is gets frightening.

In Hosea chapter 2, God speaks about how He will bring an adulterous people back to Him. We His people are adulterous because we have forsaken our first love and pursued other loves. And such grieves the Lord. It is like a knife into His heart. In Hosea 2, the Lord does several things. In verse 3, He warns that He will expose His people, make them like a wilderness, set them in dry land and slay her with thirst (vs 3). The first thing God does is to remove every source of satisfaction from His people. Everything that gives us pleasure and satisfaction and meaning apart from Him, He will strip away. Till our souls are parched, our mouths excruciating in thirst. Then He will set our way with thorns (vs 6)The next He does is to bring us to a point of despair. Every way we move is met with thorns till we have no where else to go but back to the Lord. Then, He will withdraw His blessings from our lives. He will return and take away His grain and new wine (vs 9) He will destroy our vines and our fig trees (vs 12). This is a progressive chastisement and breaking of everything we hold in our hands. For then, when we are brought to a place of abject despair, our every earthly reliance taken away, when we are starving and thirsty and naked and in tears, the Lord will come to allure us once again (vs 14). He will speak comfort to us (vs 15) and once again, we will acknowledge and love Him. Once again, the church will return like a bride to her Husband.

You see my friends, we cannot cause others to desire God. Only God can. If we do not heed His warning, He will remove everything we love such that we have only Him to love. He will break our every boasting, and remove every idol. For it is when we are truly in need that we will turn back to the Lord, and desire Him, and appreciate Him, and love Him. My friends, if we truly desire the Lord to bring us to a place of desiring Him above all else, then we must be prepared for what we pray. And we must be prepared that He starts with us. I sense the purging fire of the Lord has been lighted in our midst. The fire has been set in Zion. And it will burn and burn until every knee is bowed before Him.

Do we desire Him enough?

I was standing at the back of the hall last sunday during the worship. The worship going great and the youths was responsive. However something seemed missing. As I began to prayer for the youths, I sensed a grieving sadness from the Lord. The Lord was grieving over his people. I sought the Lord as to this cause and this is what He said to me, "My people do not desire me enough." Suddenly I realised what He meant. We acknowledge Him with our lips but our hearts are far from Him. The Lord began to show me that the reason why we have not experienced the fullness of His glory and His presence in our congregation was simply because we, as a people, did not desire Him enough. There was no hunger, there was no thirst, there was no earnest longing and urgent supplication. We do not receive because we do not ask.

I then sought the Lord as to how we could bring our youths to desire Him more. And He gave me the impression of a flame, a flickering flame. And the Lord said, "Tell them to remember the time in the past when they had felt to close to me, times when my presence and power was so real. Remember these times, and long for it again." To many of us, we were holding on to these past memories that had become like a flickering flame, on a verge of being snuffed out in the winds of passing time. But the Lord wants us to desire the fire of His presence, how it was once like. The Lord wants to rekindle this fire of His glory in our lives. He longs for the time when His people desire Him and cry out to Him in tears and supplication for His presence. He wants us to want Him, to want to so much that we will pay whatever cost to get Him. He wants us to fall on our faces and desire Him so much that we will give our lives for Him. For then, He will pour out His Spirit without measure. We will see His glory descend into our church and the fire of His presence envelope us. On that day, His glory will abide in the midst of our congregation that the unbelievers will see and be drawn in.

The cry of His heart is for us to desire Him. Do we desire Him enough?

The joy of absolute surrender

The pathway to His presence and His power is the path of absolute surrender. Surrender is so difficult but O the joy of His presence once we surrender, O the exhilaration of His embrace. For truly the Spirit fills one who is broken and of a contrite spirit. To the surrendered heart, God attends at every worship, to flood the soul and mind with the awesomeness of divine presence. To the surrendered heart, God reveals His secrets, whispers the mysteries of His heart. To the surrendered heart, the heavens opens, and pours out such blessing that we fragile souls can scarce contain it. There is joy despite of circumstances, power despite of persecution, welling up into a fountain of faith. In surrender, we touch the fullness of grace; in surrender, we see the face of God.

You can't bring others higher than where you have gone yourself

I have been in the ministry of spiritual growth for more than a decade now. I have taught in Sunday School, led small groups, worked in committees, occasionally been invited to preach and have even written a book on how to grow up spiritually. The entire focus of this calling on my life is to use the abilities which God has entrusted to me to help others growth up spiritually. For that is why I have been place here on this earth.

The process of spiritual growth is something both pastors and layman grapple with on a regular basis. We constantly look at the people under our care and try to crack our brains to figure out how we can help them grow up spiritually. We know there is so much more God wants them to experience, more of His power, more of His love, more of His freedom, more of His blessings, more of Himself. Yet as our Lord cried over Jerusalem, how God longs to bring those we lead into a higher level of spirituality but many are simply not ready, not willing, not concerned.

So what is the formula? There is none. What is the key? The answer - the leader. Who we are as leaders will determine those whom we lead. Spirit-filled leaders birth spirit-filled followers. Leaders who live in the flesh will simply achieve no spiritual growth in those they lead. For it is the Spirit who gives life, the flesh profits nothing. If there is to be revival in the lives of those we lead, then the revival must start with us leaders. For only when we live and preach and serve under the anointing can we help those we lead come into the anointing themselves. You can't bring those you lead higher than where you have gone yourself.

The implication of this on ministry is startling. If our focus on our ministry is head-knowledge of scripture, then we will produce followers with head-knowledge but little spiritual experience. If our focus is fellowship, then we will produce followers close to each other but no closer to God. But if our focus is to serve and lead them under the anointing of the Spirit, only then will we bring them into the experience of God who is Spirit, revealed in the person of Jesus Christ.

So before we run off to try to plan more programmes, start more committees, or attend more training, let us stop and come back to our God. For God is turning His spotlight on those who profess to be leaders in His church. Soon He will purge His church of flesh, or carnality, of the pride of human wisdom and ability. One by one, He will break His leaders, to refine us in the fire of trial till we come forth as pure gold, in the power of the Anointing. Just as Jesus spent 40 days in the wilderness being tempted in every way by the devil, so God will brings His anointed ones through our own wilderness, the dark night of the soul that will burn away all pride in the flesh, all dependence on ourselves, to break us to a point of absolute surrender. And then, when there is no more pride, no more ambition, no more rights, no more reputation, He will start to pour Himself into us, to saturate us with His presence, His power, His Spirit. And only then, will we be leaders of the Spirit who can bring others into the things of the Spirit.

What is the cost of being a bible teacher? Consistent study. What is the cost of being a leader? Consistent death. The daily dying to ourselves. Are we prepared to pay the price? If we do not, the cost to those we lead will be unthinkable.

May the Force be with you

The Star Wars saga has just concluded. The final jigsaw in the puzzle of how young Skywaker is seduced by the Dark Side and degenerates into Darth Vadar, Lord of the Sith. The entire Star Wars saga presents a fascinating world in which high tech weaponry confluences with mystic religion. In fact, many of us get so enthralled with spaceships and lightsabers that we may not realize the powerful New Age worldview it presents. At the centre of this religious worldview is what is now commonly known as the Force.

The Force is essentially presented as a kind of metaphysical life-force that encompasses all of reality. Certain special individuals like Jedi and Sith are able to ‘tap’ into the Force and manipulate it to achieve special powers and abilities. Upon death, like Obi-Wan in Episode 4, the original first movie, the Jedi merges with the force and becomes at one with the universe. Within the force, there is the polarity of the Dark Side and the Light Side, ultimate representations of Good and Evil.

The concept of the Force is not new. Such religious ideas find its roots in the ancient eastern religions of Hinduism and Taoism. Like Hinduism and Taoism, the religion of the Force is essentially grounded in a Pantheistic world view. This is a world view in which all of reality is viewed as ONE. In essence, we are all connected to the universe and the universe to us. God, ie. the idea of the divine, is the universe and the universe is God. In Hinduism, the aim is to attain to Brahman Atman, the point of Enlightenment where one merges with the divine oneness of the Universe. The soul comes to the realization that it is actually one with the universe, and in doing so, becomes the universe. In Taoism, a similar worldview is presented. The Tao is essentially the force that binds the entire universe together. The Taoist seeks to be aligned with the Tao, for alignment with the Tao brings prosperity and longevity. From this stems the concept of Feng Shui. Just as the Jedi aligns himself with the force to attain to his supernatural powers, in a similar way the Taoist seeks to align himself with the Tao to bring prosperity and health. In the West, that very same Pantheistic world view has found popular reemergence in the guise of New Age mysticism. Old ideas in a new package.

The implication of a generation of Christians growing up on a diet of New Age mysticism presented throughout the Star Wars saga must be addressed. Already we are beginning to see the infiltration of New Age thinking into main stream Christianity. We see this especially in the doctrine of the Holy Spirit or “pneumatology” as it is called by the church. Developing correct pneumatology is especially important given the obvious metaphysical aspects of the Holy Spirit and His operation in the life of a believer. The same way a Jedi is led by the Force and this leads to the manifestation special abilities and powers, so when a believer is filled with or baptized by the Holy Sprit, the Holy Spirit manifests numerous supernatural powers through the believer like healing, miracles and prophesy (1 Cor 12). The biblical presentation of the Holy Spirit in analogies like “wind”, “rain”, “water”, “fire” lends even greater temptation to associate the Holy Spirit with a Star Wars like Force essence.

To develop biblically accurate pneumatology, we must therefore be mindful of the fundamental difference between the Holy Spirit and the Force. The first and most fundamentally is the fact that while the Force is grounded in pantheism, ie. all of existence is one, the Holy Spirit, is essentially God. And God and His creation are separate and distinct. While a Jedi can unite himself with the Force, we and God remain separate and distinct entities, each with separate and distinct personhoods. We will never become God or fuse with the Divineness of God. The separation between divinity and humanity, with the exception of the Incarnation, is a line that can never be crossed from our end. To seek to be God is the path that led to the downfall of Lucifer.

The next fundamental difference is that of Personhood. Within the Holy Trinity, there is Personhood. The Godhead acts, thinks, feels and wills. The Force as presented in Star wars, is by contrast impersonal. The Force does not feel, does not think, does not act. Such impersonality is also consistent with the Pantheistic world view. Because if all of reality of one, there can be no distinct personalities who relate to each other. God, in the Christian worldview is presented as Father, a divine being who loves us, adopts us, and calls us into intimacy of relationship with Him.

Perhaps a third and most fundamental difference is how a Jedi or Sith relates to the Force and how a Christian relates to the Holy Spirit. As with every New Age religion, the lure of the Force is the lure of power and supernatural abilities. A proponent trains himself to “tap” into the Force, thus availing himself to many wondrous supernatural powers, which he then manipulates for his own purposes. While the Jedi uses the Forces for the good of others and the Sith use the Force to further his own personal gain, it is the proponent of the Force who sets the agenda. He “uses” the Force. Those who enter into Christianity seeking such power will often find themselves easy prey to the demonic ways of the devil. A lust for power and abilities a complete antithesis to the way of Christ. The way of the Christian is one of dying to ourselves, of humility and surrender to the Lordship of Christ, the way of the suffering of the Cross. We do not seek to be something but, like Christ, make ourselves nothing. In the issue of the gifts of the Holy Spirit, we do not set the agenda, the Holy Spirit does. We do not use or control Him, He uses and controls us. During the baptism of the Spirit, the Spirit saturates the believer with His presence and power, and manifests power as He chooses. We are not in control, the Spirit is.

May the Lord be with you.

How do I know it is God?

How do I know it is God? How do I know it is God speaking to me, speaking through you? The ability to hear and discern the voice of God and his leading in our lives and ministry is crucial if we are to fulfill his will. The famous apologist Ravi Zacharias said that there are no mass movements in church history. It only seems that way. At the centre of every movement is a man or woman who knows his or her God and where God is going. I fully agree. The great revival movements are simply occasioned when God works his purposes through a surrendered servant who is able to discern his voice and leading. As Henry Blackby wrote, we experience God when we work where he is working. We don't determine the agenda, he does.

How then do we hear the voice of God? Consider the words of Jesus in John 10:1-5:

"I tell you the truth, the man who does not enter the sheep pen by the gate, but climbs in by some other way, is a thief and a robber. The man who enters by the gate is the shepherd of his sheep. The watchman opens the gate for him, and the sheep listen to his voice. He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. When he has brought out all his own, he goes on ahead of them, and his sheep follow him because they know his voice. But they will never follow a stranger; in fact, they will run away from him because they do not recognize a stranger's voice."

"The man who enters by the gate is the shepherd of his sheep." The first thing these verses tell us is that God does not play hide and seek with us. He does not come by the back door or is surreptitious in his communication. When he approaches us, it is direct and honest. Often, we are unable to hear his voice not because he does not speak clearly. But it is our human passions and selfish will that screams to drown out his voice. If we were simply to quieten our hearts before Him with the willingness to obey his voice at whatever cost, we will know the witnesses of the Spirit in our hearts.

This brings me to the second point. "...the sheep listen to his voice". The willingness to obey is a crucial criteria to hearing his voice. If we have already decided in our hearts a course of action, let us not deceive ourselves into trying to ask of his will. Strong preference in the area of decision making makes us resistant to hearing his voice simply because we are already closed to any other alternative. We must therefore be willing to listen, to obey, even if obedience brings us into a course that is difficult, or unpopular or painful. For that is the essense of faith, the faith surrender.

"He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out." The third point is that the voice of God to us is always deeply personal. God speaks to us in a way that we are able to hear. He knows what we require for faith and his communication is designed for us and us alone. For this matter, God may speak to one in one way and another in another. But more crucially, his voice is always a loving communication in the context of an intimate and close relationship with him. He does not play games and require us to figure him out. He is intensely personal, his presence very close by, as he leads us into his path of righteousness.

"His sheep follow him because they know his voice. But they will never follow a stranger; in fact, they will run away from him because they do not recognize a stranger's voice." This brings me to my final point on this matter. It is out of close personal relationship with our Lord that we are able to recognise his voice. The more time we spend in his presence in prayer and worship, the more we will learn to know him. Discernment can only be built out of familiarity. Thus when someone speaks a word that purports to be of God, the child who knows his father will be able to discern whether it is truly from God. For the inner witness of the Spirit will rage within us to cause discomfort and unease when false prophesy is proffered.

We are at a transation point in church history. As the one who holds the seven stars in his hand speaks to his end-time church, he who has ears to hear let him hear what the Spirit is saying to his church. Lead us O lord, for we your sheep are listening.

Why should I believe you?

The cry of the post-modern generation is always, "Why should I believe you?" As the church strives to reach out to the world, it is important that we understand the mindset of the generation today. Failure to do so will be catastrophic as the church will lose both its relevance and impact on our society. Changing mindsets calls for changing approaches. We face a generation that no longer accepts truth propositions because it is presented as such by someone in authority. The approach to both witnessing and bible study in respect of this new generation is therefore very different.

For the older generation when confronted with a truth statement such as "God is love", the older generation will tend to accept it as true even though he may not feel such. This lack of experiential verification or feeling is often dealt with by accepting that perhaps the person does not have enough faith to believe. The approach then is to build ones faith by the exercise of the will, the will to believe. The thought process is essentially "If I believe enough that God loves me, then I will feel his love." But essentially, feeling is subordinate to the assent to the truth, ie. it is true whether I feel it or not.

For the new and younger generation that is emerging, the fact that the truth proposition stems from someone in authority or seniority does not count for much. This is the generation of cynicism and the questioning of authority. What then does it take to convince a post-modern youth? The answer is - experiential verification. This is the thought process involved: "I accept truth based on something I can experience. If I cannot experience it, then it does not work and I will reject it as truth, no matter who tells me it is true."

To dismiss these traits as rebellious and un-Christian does not solve the problem. It only compounds it. To be relevant and to reach out to this generation, we must understand the prevailing mindset and deal with it. How then should we respond?

We must present a Christianity that works. We must present a God not just in words (concepts) but in power (reality). If we preach a God who loves us and to whom we can pray to, then we must ourselves be in an experiential loving and intercessory relationship with God. We must walk the talk. We cannot sell what we don’t have. If not, the youths of today will be quick to call our bluff. If we talk about victory over sin, we must be prepared to lead them into such an experience; and how can we do so if we have not gone there ourselves? Our worship must move from mere singing to touching the very presence of God. Our teaching must move from mere words to communicating the convicting voice of the Spirit. Our prayer meetings must move from mere petitions to prayers led by the Holy Spirit Himself who intercedes with moans and groans that words cannot express.

One of the crucial mistakes of conservative Christianity is the unhealthy suspicion and dismissal of spiritual experiences. The fear of abuse and suspicion of the unknown has resulted in all spiritual experiences being discredited as unsafe. The true Christian is lauded as one who believes even in the absence of any corresponding spiritual experience. This is not the Christianity of the bible. The presence and power of God was very real to the forefathers of Israel, prophets, the apostles and the early church. Yet in our anti-spiritual mindset, Christianity is often reduce to a concept, a creed, a moral philosophy will little spiritual reality. Such a Christianity is powerless and irrelevant in the face of the post-modern mindset.

If we as a church do not change to address the prevailing post-modern mindset, our churches will very soon go the way of the churches in Western Europe, where only the old attend to pass their days until they die.

Our lives are such contradictions

Our lives are such contradictions. All of us who have tried so hard to make sense of it, to make sense of who we are, will find that we are often a mess of contradictions. Paul's ministry was a sea of contradictions too. In 2 Cor 6:8-10, he says about his ministry, "...by honor and dishonor, by evil report and good report; as deceivers, and yet true; as unknown, and yet well known; as dying, and behold we live; as chastened, and yet not killed; as sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; as poor, yet making many rich; as having nothing, and yet possessing all things." If he tried to define himself by the external markers of his ministry, he would have found it almost impossible.

But we all still try. We try to fit our lives into nice little controllable moulds. We seek stability, security, predictability. In our lives and ministry, we try to reach a state of comfort, and put into plan theories that assure success. But we kid ourselves if we think we can find predictability in our lives sufficient to define ourselves by it.

And Paul knew that. Which is why is verse 2 of 2 Cor 6, he quotes Isaiah 49:8, "In an acceptable time I have heard you, And in the day of salvation I have helped you". Isaiah 49 speaks of the ministry of Christ, a ministry to which He had been "called from the womb."(vs1) To Paul, his ministry too was divinely appointed, and this was the "acceptable time" of the Lord. "Behold, now is the accepted time; behold, now is the day of salvation." (2 Cor 6:2b)

As I began to meditate upon this, the Spirit began to reaffirm to me that despite the contradictions in my life, the sense of divine calling and appointment on my life remained constant and unchanged. I was here at this point of my life because this was the "acceptable time" of God. Despite the external and experiential contradictions and uncertainties, His appointment for my life was certain. I was His, called from the womb to His divine purpose. Certainty was only found in Him. Praise be to God.

Three barriers to our goal

I have spent some time meditating on Phil 3:12 to 14. "Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."

As I pondered these verses, the Lord began to reveal to me three barriers to achieving the goals that He had set for my life. I have a sense that I am now at the threshold of the next stage of my life and ministry. Inwardly I know that God has a mission for my life which he wills for me to fulfill and that the only person that can stop me from fulfilling this call is myself.

Some of you reading this may also be on the verge of something new. Perhaps God is calling you to a higher level of ministry, calling you to step out in faith in a new area which you have no experience or competence in. He has set a goal in front of you and you are uncertain if you can discharge His call.

Three barriers lie in our path. The first is the barrier of pride. "Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect". The greatest stumbling block in ministry is our pride. When we feel we have made it, or can do it, or that we are the best person for the job because of our abilities, then we lose the anointing. This is because pride causes the ascendancy of the flesh and quenches the Spirit. It is only when we humbly admit that we cannot, that the Spirit empowers and enables us.

The second barrier to our goal is our past. "But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead". We all have things in our lives that continue to hold us back. Past failures, past humiliations, past pain, past sins. The past continues to grip us with fear such that each time we try to go forward, the past pulls us back. But we must realise that God is not limited by our past. He can and will restore the years the locust have eaten. As we step in faith into a new tomorrow, God will lift us far above our past, into His glorious purposes. On our part, we must let go.

The third barrier to reaching our goal is our lack of perseverance. "I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." When ever God calls us to a higher level of faith and ministry, the devil will quickly move to oppose us. The need is for us to "press on". "All who desire to live godly in Christ Jesus will suffer persecution" (2 Tim 3:12). When Jesus was anointed by the Spirit at His baptism, immediately He was tested by the devil in the wilderness. Perhaps the testing of our faith at the outset of our first step into a greater promise is to test that which is in our hearts, to break our reliance on ourselves, and to burn away our false and selfish motives. We press on. We must expect opposition so that when it does come, we will not become discouraged and fall away from our goal. May God be glorified in our lives.

Are you a false Christian?

What does a false Christian look like? He probably attends church or youth ministry regularly. He may come from a Christian family and have been attending Sunday school from young. He may even be serving in some leadership position in the church, perhaps even as a small group leader or a worship leader. He says grace before each meal and knows all the right answers to the bible study questions. He has a socially acceptable morality - he does not smoke, or gamble. He believes in abstinence before marriage and frowns at cohabitation. But if we probe beneath the shell, we find nothing there. There is little prayer in his life. There is no change in character and he lives in constant defeat to sin. There is little conviction in his witness. At the core, the reality and power and salvation of God is glaringly absent in his life.

Such a person is a false Christian because he only has the form of religion but not its spiritual reality. As Paul calls it, "a form of godliness but denying its power" (2 Tim 3:5). Paul knew what it was like to be a false Christian. For many years before his personal encounter with our Lord, Paul was a false Christian. He was a Hebrew of Hebrew, and a Pharisee of Pharisees. All the form, all the external facade, but nothing at its core. Such a person was a false Christian because his entire confidence of his religion was in the flesh (Phil 3:4). In short, a false Christian is one who places his confidence in the form of his religion.

Such falsehood and confidence in the flesh is "rubbish" according to Paul (Phil 3:8). Three times in Phl 3:7,8 Paul uses the word "loss". Relying on the form of religion but having no true spiritual reality is in fact detrimental and harmful to us. Because it lulls us into a false sense of pride and security, thinking we are ok when in fact we deceive only ourselves. It blinds us from our true empty, naked and spiritually impoverished state.

What then is true spirituality? What makes a true Christian? Paul then goes on to tell us in Phil 3:9-11. A true Christian is one who has righteousness that is by faith in Jesus. He is one who knows Jesus, knows the power of His resurrection and has the fellowship of His suffering. Here then lies the key. The suffering of the Lord was embodied in the Cross. Jesus said that if any man come after Him, let him take up his cross and follow Him. And at the core of the Cross was death. There was no resurrection power until there was death. Without death, there is no life. This is a powerful lesson for us. It tells us that without the dying to ourselves, we will never come to know Jesus and His resurrection life. There must come a point of every Christian's life where we die to ourselves. We must follow the Spirit into a point of total and utter surrender, of our judgments, our rights, our reputation and our ambitions. Like a living sacrifice, we lay our lives at the foot of the Cross. For then, we will enter into true spiritual life, into the resurrection power of Jesus, and into sweet union and communion with Him to loves us and pursues us. For we carry in our lives the dying of the Lord Jesus, it is then that the life of the Lord Jesus is manifested in us (2 Cor 4:7-11). "For I am crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live but Christ lives in me. The life I now live, I live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave His life for me." (Gal 2:20) That my friends, is the only way to enter into true Christianity. It is the door that the false Christian has never entered. Are you tired of the falsehood? The key to true spirituality is the Cross. There is no other way.

How bad are you?

How bad are you? What have you done in your life that is so bad that God will not forgive you? Could it be the seriousness of a particular sin, or the fact that you have confessed the same sin so many times that you lose count, and lose hope that one day God's patience will run out and His forgiveness will stop. Have you committed the unpardonable sin, whatever you think it may be? You feel you are a Christian for the most part but there is this nagging doubt about your salvation cos you aren't really sure if God has really forgiven you...after all the sin was pretty bad.

In 2 Samuel 11, we see a shocking display of sin by a man who was said to have a heart after God. One day from his palace, David saw a beautiful girl bathing. He lusted after her and had her brought to the palace. He then slept with her and got her pregnant, all the while knowing that she was married. If this was not bad enough, he then orders the commander of the woman's husband to put him in the front of the fiercest battle and then to withdraw from him to let him be killed. The commander does as the King orders. The man is brutally killed. To satisfy his lust, David had committed adultery and murder, two of the most severe moral sins before God. Can you top that? How bad is your sin compared with that? I don't think many of us can lay claim to have done something that is worse than that.

What was surprising was really God's willingness to forgive once David repented. The prophet Nathan confronted David about this sin. There was no hesitation, no protest, no attempt to hide the sin. David's response was swift and to the point. "I have sinned against the Lord" (2 Sam 12:13). His repentance was immediate. The response from God through the prophet was equally swift. "The Lord has put away your sin; you shall not die". Immediate repentance was met with immediate forgiveness.

Psalms 51 gives us an insight into what was going through David's mind at that time. The Psalm was written when Nathan had confronted him about his terrible sin. David knew that until he acknowledge the sin, it would always be before him and before God. He also knew that it was against God and God alone that he had sinned. And God desired truth in the inward parts. David knew that he could not simply just cannot hide his sin from God and pretend that it will go away. For God saw everything, knew everything and felt everything. And God was waiting for him to come clean.

Have mercy on me, O God,
according to your unfailing love;
according to your great compassion
blot out my transgressions.
Wash away all my iniquity
and cleanse me from my sin.

For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is always before me.
Against you, you only, have I sinned
and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you are proved right when you speak
and justified when you judge.

Surely I was sinful at birth,
sinful from the time my mother conceived me.
Surely you desire truth in the inner parts;
you teach me wisdom in the inmost place.

Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;
wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.
Let me hear joy and gladness;
let the bones you have crushed rejoice.
Hide your face from my sins
and blot out all my iniquity.

Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Do not cast me from your presence
or take your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.


Psalms 51:1-12

How bad are you?

What makes a leader?

What makes a leader, specifically a Christian leader? His charisma? His ability to preach and inspire? His organizational ability? While these gifts can be a blessing to the church, they are not enough. On the contrary, Christian leaders who are 'gifted' with leadership abilities in the worldly sense have a much greater temptation to lead out of human strength than of the Spirit. Human wisdom, human planning and human perspectives can oftentimes be the greatest impediment to the work of the Spirit. This is because the foundation of our reliance is on flesh and not of the Spirit.

"Cursed is the one who trusts in man,
who depends on flesh for his strength
and whose heart turns away from the LORD .
He will be like a bush in the wastelands;
he will not see prosperity when it comes.
He will dwell in the parched places of the desert,
in a salt land where no one lives."
(Jer 17:5,6)

As I prayerfully sought the Lord on what He required in His leaders, two things came to mind. The first is sensitivity to the Spirit. A leader must be a person of prayer, and sensitive to the Spirit. True leadership is leadership on its knees. Many of us including myself often just pay lip service to prayer, teach and talk alot about it, but simply do not walk the talk. The alarming thing is that a leader who does not pray, and who cannot hear God, is like a captain of a ship who does not know where he is going. Forgive our sins Lord, hear our prayer and let us hear Your voice clearly. Let us hear what you, Holy Spirit, are saying to Your church.

"But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD ,
whose confidence is in him.
He will be like a tree planted by the water
that sends out its roots by the stream.
It does not fear when heat comes;
its leaves are always green.
It has no worries in a year of drought
and never fails to bear fruit."
(Jer 17:7,8)

The second essential quality of a Christian leader is servant leadership. As the world mourns the lost of Pope John Paul, what struck me most in an article about the life of this great man was his commitment to servant leadership. Too many of us exalt ourselves in our God-given positions, claiming glory and infallibility that is God’s alone. In our good intentions, we think we know what is best, guard our turfs and become resistant to views adverse to our own. Like the Sons of Zebedee, we crave the glory of sitting on the right and left of His throne in heaven. Yet the Lord saw things differently.

“Jesus called them together and said, “You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them. Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be your slave– just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”
(Matt 20:25-28)

Perhaps now is the time for each of us to examine our lives to see if we are leading on our knees or from our exalted pedestals. Let us get off our pedestals and fall on our knees in prayer and servanthood. For only then, will we be fit to lead his church.

Who am I?

Who am I? They often tell me
I stepped from my cell’s confinement
Calmly, cheerfully, firmly,
Like a squire from his country-house.
Who am I? They often tell me
I used to speak to my warders
Freely and friendly and clearly,
As though it were mine to command.
Who am I? They also tell me
I bore the days of misfortune
Equally, smilingly, proudly,
Like one accustomed to win.

Am I then really all that which other men tell of?
Or am I only what I myself know of myself?
Restless and longing and sick, like a bird in a cage,
Struggling for breath, as though hands were compressing my throat,
Yearning for colors, for flowers, for the voices of birds,
Thirsting for words of kindness, for neighborliness,
Tossing in expectation of great events,
Powerlessly trembling for friends at an infinite distance,
Weary and empty at praying, at thinking, at making,
Faint, and ready to say farewell to it all?

Who am I? This or the other?
Am I one person today and tomorrow another?
Am I both at once? A hypocrite before others,
And before myself a contemptibly woebegone weakling?
Or is something within me still like a beaten army,
Fleeing in disorder from victory already achieved?
Who am I? They mock me, these lonely questions of mine.
Whoever I am, Thou knowest, 0 God, I am Thine!


Dietrich Bonhoeffer (1946)

The struggle for a sense of self-identity is universal to all man. Most of us spend our entire lives trying to define who we are. We peg the definition of who we are to external markers, like what others think of us (our reputation), what we have achieved (our position and accomplishments), what we can do (our abilities and talents) or what we have (our possessions and wealth). We all want to be successes in life, to come to the end of our lives and know that we have lived a life worthy of admiration and recognition. Those of us who are more shrewd will plan and scheme to be judged as successes by these external markers. Yet the definition of who we are continues to elude us. Deep inside we know that pegging ourselves to external markers just doesn't cut it in the end. In certain times, the external markers grade us as successes. This is when we do something that receives recognition, receive a promotion, or acquire the latest possession. In other times, that same external markers will grade us as failures, e.g. when we experience failure or do not get something we covet or are victims of misfortune beyond our control. We then lapse into confusion and a sense of worthlessness. At different times, we swing from the extremes of thinking ourselves superior to others to the thinking ourselves as the worst of man.

The reason for this is simple - if our definition of who we are is based on certain markers and those markers are either inconsistent or unreliable, then our definitions of who we are will likewise always lack permanence. To put it another way, if who we are depends on how we see ourselves and how others see us, because these markers change constantly, then who we are will also constantly change. I may I think I am rich because I earn more than the average person. But when I look at the billionaires of the world, I may feel very poor indeed. Intrinsically I have not changed but because of the changing markers, my definition of who I am changes. Depending on what standard I use, I can either be a success or failure. But how can this be? How then can I find my true self?

"Who am I? They mock me, these lonely questions of mine. Whoever I am, Thou knowest, 0 God, I am Thine!" Reading the words of the famous martyred German theologian Bonhoeffer, I come to realise a simple but powerful truth. The quest for self-definition can only end when we come to God. Our illusive and turbulent quest to pin down who we are can only find rest when we begin to define ourselves the way God sees us. When we look through the eyes of God to see ourselves as He sees us, for the first time we will see ourselves for who we truly are. Freed of external markers; freed of the blindings of prejudice or bias or pride or self-depreciation. We begin to see our intrinsic worth as children of the Almighty God, our relationship with the Divine, our destiny with the Supreme Creator, our appointment with eternity. Through the eyes of God there is no place of self-pity, no failures, no rejection. Through the eyes of God there is only love divine, and the promise of glory.