Pre-marital sex. 'Get with the times. Everyone does it. Only those prudish Christians don't.' This is one area Christians get some of the most flak from non-Christians. Worst still, many unmarried Christian couples struggle with this issue, uncertain if pre-marital sex is really wrong or why it is wrong. Ask your average Christian if pre-marital sex is wrong and he or she will probably say ‘yes’. Then ask why it is wrong and you will probably get the lame "err...cos the bible says so I suppose..." To be fair, the bible has never explicitly said so but we can infer from parts of scripture that it is probably wrong. But that just isn't enough for most of us post-modern-question-authority-I-want-to-know-why-generation-x type of people. Here's my take on this controversial and thorny topic...
Where the bible is either not explicit or grey about a certain area, we return to the ultimate law to determine if something is morally right or wrong. This is the law of love. Romans 13:8-10 tells us that all the commandments of God can be summed up in the mandate to love one another. So what is love? To love someone is to affirm the highest intrinsic worth and value of another person. To act in love is to act in a way where the highest worth and value of another person is affirmed. Superimpose this into the question of pre-marital sex and the question becomes, "does pre-marital sex affirm the highest intrinsic worth and value of your partner?"
To answer this question, we must realise that in any relationship, there is a balance between intimacy and commitment. Think of a pyramid with intimacy on one side and commitment on the other. Where there is more intimacy than there is commitment, the relationship becomes imbalanced and doomed to fail. We see this all to often in relationships where one party acts selfishly and does not want to commit. The absence of commitment in any relationship robs the relationship of the security and reliability necessary for the relationship to flourish.
Move up the intimacy side of the pyramid and we find that sex is the pinnacle of intimacy. In sexual intercourse, we take from our partner what is the most intimate and most private of privileges. It is also an act of the highest consequence as from it springs forth children. Because the sexual act is of the highest intimacy and consequence, only the highest of commitment can legitimize it. For to take the highest intimacy from another without the corresponding willingness to give the highest commitment is tantamount to rape - because we take more than we are willing to give. And the highest pinnacle of commitment is marriage. In marriage, we pledge our highest commitment ‘to have and to hold, for richer or for poorer, in sickness or in health, for as long as we both shall live.” In marriage, we make this pledge before God, thus conferring on it sacredness; we make this pledge before the church, thus conferring on it accountability; and we make this pledge before the law, thus conferring on it the force of legal protection. It is my humble submission therefore that if there is sex in the absence of marriage, such an act does not affirm the highest intrinsic worth and value of our partner because we are essentially taking more than we are willing to give. Such an act is inherently selfish and therefore runs foul of the law of love. Perhaps now we know why it has been wisely said, “if you truly love someone, you will not have sex with her before you are married.”