Why do we always hurt those closest to us? It could be a parent, or a spouse, or a girlfriend/boyfriend. These are the people that mean the most to us yet so often we find ourselves losing our temper more quickly with them, or say things we know are hurtful. On the flip side, we tend to almost be more cordial and tolerant with those who are not so close to us. We tend to try harder to please those that are not so close, and therefore are more polite and grateful to them.
Some people say that the answer to the question of why we tend to hurt those closer to us is because ironically our loved ones know the 'buttons' to push in us. They know what triggers us and when they do it, they hurt us more deeply and we retaliate and hurt them back. This is true when there is a very low level of trust in the relationship. We may have been hurt so many times by those close to us that our response to a slight provocation is based not only on the provocation at hand but also all the past hurts we have endured from that person. This results in a disproportionately more severe retaliation to hurt the person. This theory in some way explains the severity of conflict in relationships where the trust level is low. But is does not explain why even in relationships where the trust level is high, and the relationship can be considered 'good', we still end up getting angry more easily with our loved ones and hurting them in return. Let me venture 2 theories:
Firslty, we are more likely to get angry at someone close to us because we have higher expectations of them. We expect them to know us and understand us better, to be able to predict our needs and take heed to our feelings better. We expect them to be more sensitive, more reliable, more trustworthy and more loving. We expect more time, more effort and more commitment to us. These higher expectations also means that it is easier for our loved ones to fall short of them. Failure to meet and expectation hurts us more deeply when it is by a loved one. How do we get around this? Firstly, I have to say that it is not wrong to have higher expectations of those closer to us. After all, surely the commitment involved in a marriage is higher than the commitment involved in a cordial friendship. The problem is that much of these expectations we have of our loved ones are never communicated to them. We simply assume they know of it and expect them to keep it. Often, we have never openly talked about our expectations as that is seen as too confrontational and awkward for many. On the receiving end, it is terribly unfair for the person who has never been told of the expectation and yet when he runs foul of it, is taken to task. The solution must therefore be for couples, parents and children etc, to sit down and calmly talk about their expectations of the other. Where the expectations are either unrealistic or oppressive, we negotiate to a more practical and workable level. In such a negotiation, both parties must focus on reaching a final level that addresses the concerns of both parties. For example, if a girlfriend raises the expectation that her boyfriend has to call her every night, it could be because she has a great need for validation and approval and finds a source of security in the relationship. From the boyfriend's point of view, calling every night may simply be impractical given work or study requirements. Both parties therefore need to negotiate and give and take. A final solution could be for Saturdays to be dedicated relationship time with conversations on weekdays reduced to at least calling to say goodnight every night if one does not have the time to talk. In this way, both concerns are met at a level of expectation that both parties can keep.
The next reason why we are more likely to get angry to someone close to us is because we have come to take them for granted. For new acquaintances or those not so close to us, we try to impress and gain their friendship by being nicer and more polite. However when it comes to our loved ones, we feel that we no longer have to work for their affection. We expect that they will still love us no matter how awful we are. This is why couples suddenly seem to quarrel more after they get married than when they are in the courtship phase. This is also why children are more likely to get angry with their parents than with their friends. How do we address this? This straight answer is to stop taking our loved ones for granted. May I suggest a rather 'morbid' approach here. Think of the possibility that you could lose this person at any time, that a calamity or accident could suddenly take this person away from you. For couples, think of the possibility of your loved one leaving you for someone else. Focus on how you would feel then. The sense of loss. The sense of regret that you had taken the person for granted and not told the person how much he or she means to you. How it would be too late by then. I know some of you may think this is rather morbid but I can guarantee that you will stop taking those around you for granted if you always keep in mind the possibility you could lose this person.
In conclusion, talk about your expectations and always learn to cherish those close to you before it is too late. This way, we will empower ourselves to build more meaningful and loving relationships.