Who am I? They often tell me
I stepped from my cell’s confinement
Calmly, cheerfully, firmly,
Like a squire from his country-house.
Who am I? They often tell me
I used to speak to my warders
Freely and friendly and clearly,
As though it were mine to command.
Who am I? They also tell me
I bore the days of misfortune
Equally, smilingly, proudly,
Like one accustomed to win.
Am I then really all that which other men tell of?
Or am I only what I myself know of myself?
Restless and longing and sick, like a bird in a cage,
Struggling for breath, as though hands were compressing my throat,
Yearning for colors, for flowers, for the voices of birds,
Thirsting for words of kindness, for neighborliness,
Tossing in expectation of great events,
Powerlessly trembling for friends at an infinite distance,
Weary and empty at praying, at thinking, at making,
Faint, and ready to say farewell to it all?
Who am I? This or the other?
Am I one person today and tomorrow another?
Am I both at once? A hypocrite before others,
And before myself a contemptibly woebegone weakling?
Or is something within me still like a beaten army,
Fleeing in disorder from victory already achieved?
Who am I? They mock me, these lonely questions of mine.
Whoever I am, Thou knowest, 0 God, I am Thine!
Dietrich Bonhoeffer (1946)
The struggle for a sense of self-identity is universal to all man. Most of us spend our entire lives trying to define who we are. We peg the definition of who we are to external markers, like what others think of us (our reputation), what we have achieved (our position and accomplishments), what we can do (our abilities and talents) or what we have (our possessions and wealth). We all want to be successes in life, to come to the end of our lives and know that we have lived a life worthy of admiration and recognition. Those of us who are more shrewd will plan and scheme to be judged as successes by these external markers. Yet the definition of who we are continues to elude us. Deep inside we know that pegging ourselves to external markers just doesn't cut it in the end. In certain times, the external markers grade us as successes. This is when we do something that receives recognition, receive a promotion, or acquire the latest possession. In other times, that same external markers will grade us as failures, e.g. when we experience failure or do not get something we covet or are victims of misfortune beyond our control. We then lapse into confusion and a sense of worthlessness. At different times, we swing from the extremes of thinking ourselves superior to others to the thinking ourselves as the worst of man.
The reason for this is simple - if our definition of who we are is based on certain markers and those markers are either inconsistent or unreliable, then our definitions of who we are will likewise always lack permanence. To put it another way, if who we are depends on how we see ourselves and how others see us, because these markers change constantly, then who we are will also constantly change. I may I think I am rich because I earn more than the average person. But when I look at the billionaires of the world, I may feel very poor indeed. Intrinsically I have not changed but because of the changing markers, my definition of who I am changes. Depending on what standard I use, I can either be a success or failure. But how can this be? How then can I find my true self?
"Who am I? They mock me, these lonely questions of mine. Whoever I am, Thou knowest, 0 God, I am Thine!" Reading the words of the famous martyred German theologian Bonhoeffer, I come to realise a simple but powerful truth. The quest for self-definition can only end when we come to God. Our illusive and turbulent quest to pin down who we are can only find rest when we begin to define ourselves the way God sees us. When we look through the eyes of God to see ourselves as He sees us, for the first time we will see ourselves for who we truly are. Freed of external markers; freed of the blindings of prejudice or bias or pride or self-depreciation. We begin to see our intrinsic worth as children of the Almighty God, our relationship with the Divine, our destiny with the Supreme Creator, our appointment with eternity. Through the eyes of God there is no place of self-pity, no failures, no rejection. Through the eyes of God there is only love divine, and the promise of glory.